Saturday, December 16, 2006

"GIMME" never got nothin...

Bonjour babies, It's that time of year again...the time for outrageous commerce, a fat white guy in red velvet, getting your kids to behave with threats, hot cocoa, delectable winter fashions, spending time with your boo, and subsequently trying to make sure said boo gets you exactly what you've been hoping for all year. I say hints are ok, but why not just give him/her a little intraweb aided dossier like the one I've prepared below (its listed in order of importance btw.)

1. Big Hair 2007 Calandar

Calandars are a necessary thing, everyone needs one. They're not typically fun or amusing, but this one is, and thats super. I like Big hair. Dolly Parton is my style icon/role model and as I always say..."MORE IS MORE" More mascara...more! More Lipgloss...More! More aquanet...More! More inches on the heels...MORE! So this calandar is right up my trashy, trailor park alley. It's not kitsch or camp when you give me this's inspiration. If someone gets me this calandar you will see me on December 26th wearing an exact replica of one of these do's, I will be working the look and you will be jealous that your hair does not stand up that high. Aquanet girls, aquanet.

2. Andy Warhol Sleep Mask/Lip plates

I love love love love love the Marilyn sleep mask. I sleep with a sleep mask from time to time and it's pretty much the greatest thing ever. It ensures a deep and undisturbed sleep and you wake up feeling great. Beauty sleep is so necessary ladies. This mask is ultra glamourous and fun. I WANT! I also really and I mean...really need these lip plates, they're so amazing. Perfect for entertaining and whatnot. And Lord, strike me down for saying this...but they're from URBAN OUTFITTERS! Thats shameful and shocking, but it is what it is. I really dont want to give those lecherous culture vultures my $$, but thats why I'm asking for them someone else can give their duckets and I can can stay pure and untouched by the commercial evil that is Urban outfitters.

3. Agent Provocateur Lingerie

I dont think anything needs to be said about this.

4. Mirrored Vanity

This is basically my dream antique. You see them from time to time at estate sales and really good antique stores but they're always a gagillion dollars and just totally out of my league. But had I the extra $3-4,000 to spend on one of these beauts, it would be mine all mine. The glamour factor is what really does it for me, it's so chic and sexy it hurts. It's an item combining my two favorite things...looking at myself and makeup application (kidding, sort of.) No but really folks, it's a throwback to an overly decadent era where women primped for hours and wore sexy garters and french perfume, and men wore debonairre hats and called their women "sweetface." Le sigh. It's perfection and I want one for the lovenest.

5. World Peace.

I'm not kidding either. I think that all races and kinds should just give it a rest. Quit moanin and bitchin about religion, politics, color and creed and just like, take up a hobby. A tedious, all encompassing, time consuming hobby that makes them happy and keeps them out of other peoples business. And if this is too idealistic and dimwitted than maybe just peace in the neighborhood or something.

There, I've said it. These are all the things that I want. But what I'm actually getting is this:

MERRY Christmas to all the Christians, Happy Hannakuh to the Jews, And Happy sweet baby Jesus's birthday to all the sadists.

Have fun with your loved ones and take lots of pictures! I love you guys.